My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
i dont even know how to be here
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
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