i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
