I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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