dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
