Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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