mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
