I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
