Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
