Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize