When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
