How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
