"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
