is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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