My underwear smells like fireworks.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
