morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
