Sorry, I don't speak sober.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
