dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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