Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
