I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
