I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
