I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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