Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
