Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
