Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Edward fifth and chaser hands
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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