The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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