People with herpes should wear stickers.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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