I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
