they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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