we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
you inspire me to be a worse person
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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