So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
