Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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