just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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