There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
