I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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