i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
