Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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