Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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