I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Did you just see the Batmobile???
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
