i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
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