DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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