My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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