I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
farters have to be the big spoon...
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
