lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
