The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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