You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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