I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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