I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
