I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
