After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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