My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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