I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
