So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
