My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
