its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Just high enough for therapy.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize