ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
it hurts more in the daytime
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Randomize
