Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
