He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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