and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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