my sisters under your porch take her home
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
