the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
