I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
i think my tv is drunk
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
