1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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